Sometimes I get so distracted and excited and sidetracked that I get overwhelmed and confused and forget who I am. Those little details the describe oneself, that you take for granted if you don’t work at keeping them trim and proper. When you work too much it’s easy to forget what types of things you like to do in your spare time, what are the songs that consistently make you dance, that favorite scented shampoo, how and why to paint your toenails, how to find enjoyment in whatever it is you choose to do. When you spend too much of your spare time chasing beer or boys, the battery in your camera dies, all your good drawing pens get lost, you don’t have a good book to read, and you have no idea what is going on in politics.
I joined a dating website and you have to sell yourself to strangers, make yourself seem cool, intelligent, good looking but not fucking hot, charming, nonchalant. It’s about nit picking trivial details to try and describe the entirely of your strange and stretching personality in a few words to an invisible room full mostly of ugly men. But hell, there might be a cute one out there looking for a weird, but kinda cute, extremely witty, sorta young lady.
Its making me feel introspective that I cannot round out in a few sentences what I am about. I am not sure myself. I mean I sorta forgot. With chasing a career goal and filling in the free time with matters of the physical and the heart, I squeezed out that slice of pie that is devoted to self-experimentation. When I hustle and bustle too much, the adornments are kept very simple; I travel light. Anything can get reacquired, remembered, reconceived, but sometimes I forget where I left the notes.
Struggling with self-doubt and simultaneously anger at not trusting my abilities. You have to remain humble, but why am I so god damn scared? Confidence is the key, hesitation under bakes the cake. I used to trust myself, but keep disappointing myself because I set my standards to the moon high. Where did that trust go? Its should be around here somewhere.
I am working on becoming my self again. Doing the things that I feel like doing, not letting the outside world sway me quite so much. I am constantly inspired, but I need to remember to stay focused on matters that directly relate to the health and welfare of the personal empire.