Things are really working out for me lately. I am enjoying another lazy day in my uptown apartment, slowly sipping coffee and staring out into the late morning kitchen: it’s clean in here, the light is soft due to a hazy overcast day, the cat is happily playing in the basement, the neighborhood is graveyard silent.
As I sip the viscous coffee, very warm and pretty black is the way I like it, not too hot, not too room temperature, thick but not roasted too dark, I am making my daily to-do list and sorting out the errands for the day. I am ready to accomplish every task at hand, motivated because they are all relatively easy and since I made the list, I want to do them.
Things are looking up is the prevailing feeling of this cozy and lazy morning, I have my life under control. This is pretty ironic considering that I recently lost my job- a critical part of my self-identity, of my self-worth, of motivation, a demoralizing feat after working for over a decade with a personal sense of dedication for an end goal in which you feel like you got gypped.
Now I have lost my job before in the past- a couple of times. But this time it is more personal and more defining. I was very proud of my position, I worked at it very hard, at the expense of the personal life. I lost my friends, I had to make an appointment with my roommate just to see her, I saw my nieces hardly at all. I saw my lover while he slept, and we disagreed on what to do on our one day off together. He wanted to find adventure in the big city, I wanted to sleep.
It felt worth it because this was a goal and I was following through with it. I mean, as an adult you do have to prioritize work at times to get ahead. This city is competitive and it takes a lot of energy to pull ahead.
But now, all I can feel is that it was a complete waste of my youthful years. The payoff is that I cannot imagine doing that ever again. I am willing to do the type of work, but not for the hours and not for the pay.
So, considering the circumstances of an intricate web of personal feelings, things are really working out. For the moment at least, while I can wrangle some time for myself, while I can manage some time for other people, while I can keep motivated in not having anything in particular to do.