Category: humor

Appetizing

Why are people eating Tide Pods? You know the dishwasher tabs, a type of soap you put in a machine that washes your dishes so that your hands don’t get wet?

And why do I even have to ask this question?  Throughout history, people consistently say that the world is the most crazy at that certain time, but does this not take the cake?

I did, I fucking googled “why are people eating tide pods?” because I was too embarrassed to actually ask someone.   I am just the type of person you would expect to ask this question: a very un-tech savvy mid-30’s lady who is pretty much consistently in a bathrobe.  Yes, I actually type into the google search box: why are people eating tide pods?  Question mark and all- I just HAD to know.

And you know what I found out?  Nothing.  I still have no idea why people are eating dishwasher tabs.  One explanation is that they vaguely resemble candy.  An explanation which raises even more questions than it proposes to answer, but I do not have time to dissect this new wormhole right now. What I do know is that I have read about it enough times to google the Tide Pod phenomena.

The Mystery will remain until someone takes the time to explain it to me.  But since you didn’t ask, here is my explanation:

“The internet is not making us smarter, and this is the evidence. Direct fucking evidence.  No need to litigate, this question is sufficient proof to win the case of “The Value of the Internet V Reading a Book.”

Smartphones are making us addicted to their bright screens and moving content, but all this fluidity is keeping us distracted enough to not actually care about the content.  We just like to dive into the internet zone- a place where we are entertained in whatever fashion we fancy,  distracted from the world around us where we can judge other people’s bad life decisions, a comforting spot where we can put off our chores and the horrors of having to take care of oneself.  Smartphones with their vivid screens are addictive- the more you dig, the deeper you need to go.

We use our smartphones for everything and all the time.  It has become an extension of the self to such an astonishing degree.  One does not do anything without the phone in hand-eat, poop, socialize.  ne does not leave the house without the phone in the pocket, one does not ride the train without eyes glued to the glowing screen, one does not waste time in any other way besides the comforting hand-hug of that indispensable phone. Many people sleep with them in bed at night.  When was the last time your trusty phone has left your side?  When was the last time you left it out of arm’s reach intentionally?

It’s like why read Shakespeare when there is Netflix?”

-Marigold

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The Ghosts of Genetic’s Past

My cramps and overall terrible nature of the side effect pertaining to the my period get worst, albeit only marginally, every month.  At this point in my almost mid thirties, it’s like that my heritage and evolutionary demands are mad at me for being childless, for going not being pregnant month after month, for not exercising the full extent of my uterus.  A determined army of ninjas drum a little louder every month, a chorus of knocking knees nag louder, and pack of miniature bears claw a little more frantically every month.

No no it’s not that aching uterus complex that people talk about, it’s not that ticking clock that people refer to, I am talking about the revenge of the demon gods of my ancestors.  Slowly they are shedding my insides, angry at my refusal to follow into my path of female role fulfillment.  Grrrr curse you back you monster of genetics!  You phantoms of routine!  You ghosts of nature’s past!   Back off, and let a woman work for a living.

Feminism, Football, Capitalism, and Cancer, All together

Abstract:

Ok so as it turns out, the “pink out” that the NFL supports to raise money for breast cancer (everyone wears pink, therefore they buy pink things, and those profits cure cancer) is not actually raising money that is helping boobs win the cancer battle.  Where the money goes is towards community awareness.  Awareness, as you are aware, does not solve problems.  Research, science, healthy eating, a non sedentary life style, and open mindedness to finding a solution are the solution.

Objective:

Concerning the NLF’s largely popular campaign “Pink Out” during the month of October and the accusation that this program is not actually doing anything productive to cure cancer found in the breast tissue of women.

  1. I am not surprised and neither should you be.
  2. The reason why it is so popular is because football is intrinsically boring and anything that might add excitement to this game of waiting is welcomed with pom pom enthusiastic arms.
  3. This proves that there exists a potential audience for females, and there is a lot of money to be made.  Football is geared to men and woman who want to impress men or at least have a common interest.  But it is not intrinsically geared towards women.

All advertisers and business know that the women spend money.  So here are Marigold’s ideas on how to make football more approachable to women, therefore at least doubling the spectator volume which in turn brings in more revenue, while simultaneously making this all-American sport more entertaining.

Ready?

Uniforms.  Change the ugly, hideous, beyond bland and never changing uniforms to something that, I don’t know, actually make the athletes look sexy? Not like a light sack of blubbery garbage? They are fully covered in spandex, and is it horrifying.  HORRIFYING.  God not only do you have to wait on average 20 minutes for anything to actually happen, you actually have to watch overweight men in KHAKI skin colored spandex lean over with their ass in high definition.  Vogue won’t even put the hottest woman with the derriere of the year in flesh colored tights.  Yet, here, we have a team of men wearing the most deplorable outfit ever constructed.  Please, give me something not only repulsive, but sexy.  There are very good looking, athletic men, running around, sweating and yelling and dancing, please let’s focus on sexifying that man!  Let us focus on fashion and style and trend in this untouched worlds of sports. Show him up close with fake balls even.  Stuff that junk!  Oh don’t be so stuffy, women do it all the time with their lips and their boobs, with the high heals impossible to walk in shoes and the make-up.  We put on a good show and have a good time doing it, let’s see those beautiful and tough men out on a real show for everyone.

Let’s turn the tables and make money.

Oh, still concerned about raising money for breast cancer? Skip the pink shirt, bandana, and banner and donate money to cancer research.

Diary of an Optimist

11/1/2015

9:25 am

Dearest diary,

Today I boarded the train 9 mines earlier than yesterday.

I pushed the snooze button once time less than yesterday morning, only 3 times.

I considered stretching before I left for work and once again solidified the resolve to do it every morning.  The actual act did not come into fruition, but the yoga mat remains unfolded, ready for action.

After work I will do laundry and then proceed to straighten my closet.  I will not go to the store for a bottle of after work wine, I will not buy a burrito for dinner.  Water and leftovers will provide all the happiness and satisfaction that my body desires.

Although I did leave the house without preparing myself a healthy and hearty breakfast, for myself, I did fill make coffee to go cup with water for the train ride.  It’s not only because I am too lazy to make coffee, or the fact that it is free at work, but I need to make sure that I am getting enough hydration, and the train is so dry.  Endless espresso awaits me at my other home.

Back to the Future Post

10/21/2015

I had a post for this day, but apparently the post had gotten deleted by my future self.  I cannot recollect what the contents were, but certainly it was of too extreme importance or too profound to exist in 2015.  It had to be deleted before it saw the light of day, it had to be erased before it was unleashed upon the world at large.  I am sure that the mission to return to this present day was complicated, expensive, and highly secretive.  “Back to the Future,” that awesome movie made in the hey day of my childhood, picked this auspicious day for special reason, but that true explanation I don’t think we will ever know.  There is something mysterious about the 21st of October, 2015.

Apparently Marigold can predict the future, let’s hope she does something spectacular with her vision.  At the very least, we have definite proof of time travel.

Internet Dating

Spotify knows me WAY better than google.

Get a clue looser, it’s not working.  You don’t appeal to me, or Marinara, Mari Mari, and we all know Marigold’s stance on google’s impression.  Nobody is dazzled with your understanding of any of my personalities.  I would say that I give you a lot of material to work with, but you are only appealing to… I don’t even know.  I don’t understand your angle, google.

That Spotify, though, has it going on.  It has my taste down better that I even know.  I thought that I didn’t have a type, with my wide range of personalities, but Spotify does not see this Gemini trait as restrictive. It works with my wide open field of musical tastes, and comes up with recommendations that I love even more I could know on my own.  That is what we call boyfriend material.  It will recommend to me my favorite songs that I have forgotten about, new ones that I cannot live without.

Google is a creep, but Spotify is super cute.  Probably strong too.

Voice as Self Expression

The music is your pronunciation, sometimes you don’t even have to sing to sound like a dream.

The way you simply say the words can have an effect on my feelings, even when your choice of words are nothing out of the ordinary.  It is just a sentence, but you make it sound so different with your inflection.

A distinctively musical voice can have such an a diverse effect on me, the song in a simple non-sentimental  sentence can flash my heart Valentine with pink and red string lights, or my flesh sizzles like a bacon in its own grease.  It can cold my toes like waiting for the forever bus in a Chicago blizzard, it can pinch my skin like my over zealous grandma on Sunday afternoon.