Category: identity

Lucky Girl

I have said that I have no luck, terrible luck, nothing goes my way, that if my fate were left to the powers of the universe I would be alone, poor, and unloved.  Things don’t tend to go my way out of the sheer generosity of the universe.   I have never found anything, won anything, had good in luck my career or in my love life.  I have had to work very hard for the few things that I have, and strive to squeeze all the good that life has to offer.

But that is simply not true.  I am very lucky right now in particular.  I have received many outstanding gifts, material items that I could never afford on my own, that have been donated into my life because people can see how much I need them and want to see what I am going to do with these tools.   I have many outstanding friends who have changed and enriched my mundane life, who are doing amazing things and adding color to the world.  I have traveled to the farthest end of the world, and I am set to do it again.  From Pune, India to Johannesburg, South Africa, with the rest in Chicago, Illinois I am bombard with opportunity.

I may be poor in those green bills, but I am rich in experience, rich in love, rich in personalities, rich in opportunities.  I wouldn’t change my luck for all the golden dragons, red envelopes, four leaf clovers,  horseshoes, or rainbows that the psychic world has to offer.

Diary of an Optimist

11/1/2015

9:25 am

Dearest diary,

Today I boarded the train 9 mines earlier than yesterday.

I pushed the snooze button once time less than yesterday morning, only 3 times.

I considered stretching before I left for work and once again solidified the resolve to do it every morning.  The actual act did not come into fruition, but the yoga mat remains unfolded, ready for action.

After work I will do laundry and then proceed to straighten my closet.  I will not go to the store for a bottle of after work wine, I will not buy a burrito for dinner.  Water and leftovers will provide all the happiness and satisfaction that my body desires.

Although I did leave the house without preparing myself a healthy and hearty breakfast, for myself, I did fill make coffee to go cup with water for the train ride.  It’s not only because I am too lazy to make coffee, or the fact that it is free at work, but I need to make sure that I am getting enough hydration, and the train is so dry.  Endless espresso awaits me at my other home.

The Pessimistic Pen

111 posts and still my spelling is showing no signs of improvement.  In fact, it has gotten worse. I still have to struggle through every word, I still get letters mixed up and misaligned.  I thought that all this practice in the exact order of written communication would help my memory, would help jump start the motor to phonetics, but no.  It has made me more confident to make errors, to triple check every word less of a frightful panic.

I never thought I would say this, but thank god for voice typing, I can’t wait until I get enough confidence in technology or under go the demagnetification process for my fingers to tackle this new feat.

I love the written word, but lord does it scare me.

The World At Large

Within this wide world of wondrous possibilities, I get stressed out by all the options.  The limits are not very limiting, the boundaries are arbitrary and the walls are not well guarded.  The lines are not black and white, it is instead a grey representation, perhaps a shadow.  I want to do it all,  beautifully and precisely.  I want to be striking and bold, yet represent a collection of ideas.  I struggle with simplicity, I over complicate everything.  I have high standards, and when they are met I feel average.  Does this desire to be overwhelmingly complete leave me in solitude?

My Ironic Soul

Dreaming of destruction and pondering chaos

I wrestle with keeping it calm.

Desiring the heat of flame and pursuing the dark fumes

I am a diamond cut snow flake.

There is no peace in the heart,

There is no soft to the touch.

Without you, I am everything.

In the barren winter I find inspiration,

In the vast white ordinary I find my color

In the silent night I hear jazz.

In confusion I draw straight lines

In serenity I create a kingdom of noise.

My comfort is not in the sun, my song is not with the wind.

I dance in the stillness.

My beauty is dark like a moonless night.

My charm is in the blizzard.

My complexity is the simplicity of words.

Chasing Circles

Fall’s destruction is a means of recreating.  Fall is so beautiful, like the curiosity in a baby, but it is so unnerving like the breaking of a piece of art.  Fall has to be divinely beautiful to ease the transition from sunny paradise to the brutal hug of winter.  In this transitional time, we are broken apart and smashed to ruins like an east coast earthquake.  The thought of building it all back up again is daunting, seemingly impossible.  Is it even worth that burst of exploding energy to recreate again?  It is tiring, all this change, all the beauty around.

Coffee is not seemingly enough to want to conquer these diamond dreams lately.  I am being dragged down with Fall’s heavy and demanding hand.  I sleep, I stretch, I seek the sun, I await the wheels of change to start to flow again.  To find that spark to start the construction, the jump to get my heart racing, to finally get sick of the simple.  I want to overcomplicate my plate once again, but even the espresso seems to have gotten weaker.

The circles of creativity and growth, in this season of change you have to be content with the sluggish shuffle of self fulfillment, but still dream with a translucent shimmer over your monotone eyes.  Out of this rubble a better version is going to be unsurfaced, more rubies will be formed, more colors will be created, more complicated structures will dominate like a Dr. Seuss city.

Mari v Mari

Say something for yourself.  What makes you happy, Marianna?  You really don’t like it when people don’t consider you, but you hardly consider yourself.  So what do you expect.  Stop being a hater, stop being obsessed with double standards when you can’t even follow the rules.

Where is your spark of joy today, outside of the routine reasons?  Many things make you light up that glowing smile, spark the flame in your diamond eyes, but those are exterior.  What gives your heart a red thump from the inside?  What makes your fingertips lighting bug?  What makes your elbows jazz?

Think about it.  Why does the heart muscles squeezes, and what makes it relax. What gets your goose? What frees the bird from its cage?

I know the answer personally, do you know the answer for yourself?

Fine, I will tell you my secret, but don’t be so easily fooled, you might have one for yourself.

You have to do things for yourself for the sake of taking care of your body.  Details my friends, it feels good to floss, it feels good to stretch it out, it feels good to have shiny toenails.  It feels good to eat healthy, and exercise, to find time for friends, to find energy for the extras.  Don’t get lazy when it comes to the one person that matters the most.

Voice as Self Expression

The music is your pronunciation, sometimes you don’t even have to sing to sound like a dream.

The way you simply say the words can have an effect on my feelings, even when your choice of words are nothing out of the ordinary.  It is just a sentence, but you make it sound so different with your inflection.

A distinctively musical voice can have such an a diverse effect on me, the song in a simple non-sentimental  sentence can flash my heart Valentine with pink and red string lights, or my flesh sizzles like a bacon in its own grease.  It can cold my toes like waiting for the forever bus in a Chicago blizzard, it can pinch my skin like my over zealous grandma on Sunday afternoon.

Chocolate Cake, Coconut Frosting, and Mango

I have another niece on the way, she is busy brewing in the belly currently.  She is already fighting to get out, ready to match her rambunctious older cousin.  I can’t wait to meet her and watch her grow up and see how she changes the world.  Both of my nieces have the best parents imaginable, and I feel so special that I get to be a part of the munchkins lives.

Today we are celebrating my new niece’s mother in particular, showering her with love, support, and all of our best wishes.  As a token of what I can contribute, which is mainly food, I am making a chocolate cake with a hazelnut crunch layer, coconut frosting, served with a mango compote.

These are the flavors of the mom, her personality simplified into a dessert.  Its all about the tummy today!