I don’t want to fall in love because of how scary it is to fall out of it. I build up walls to keep people out, but every once in a while someone climbs over the fortress and gains access to the inner space. I don’t want to get let down, I don’t want that pain of heartache to ever come back. Its a risk and it is one that I do not like to take. My only companion is Marigold, for I know that she will never cause my stomach to turn, she will never cause my heart to clench, she will never pinch behind my eyeballs making my vision dull, my imagination stagnant. I am too afraid for love.
Does this keep me isolated? Am I blocking off an important part of living? Isn’t love the greatest source for inspiration? I don’t want to be in love because I am afraid. But what happens when you find it? Its not about finding solace in solitude, its about choosing to be alone. The thing is, though, you cannot choose when you find love or when it finds you. I am trying to avoid it, trying to turn the other way and shrug it off, trying to play it cool, trying to stay lonely. The thing is, as much as I try, it is not working. I have become vulnerable again, I have an intruder and unfortunately for my scared heart, I am not mad about it.